when am I going to make a living?
by omggcece
Summary: And just for a moment her heart flutters and all of the sudden, it's flying away but she quickly grabs it because she's not just ready for all that.- SamFreddie.


_when am i going to make a living?_

_this fic is inspired by Sade's song, when am i going to make a living? -well, not really, 'cause I'm not thinking of the lyrics or anything and it's 12:37 in the morning as I'm writing this and I need to get some sleep but I'm not and this is inspired by that song cause I was listening to it earlier this day and i fell in love with it, JUST LOVED IT! :D_

_._

Sam really needs a job. Or something.

But, when you're dating the best - and most handsome - man in the whole of Seattle can you really _focus _on anything else?

.

_( S h e k n o w s Freddie is _f a r _from being that, but when you're this in love it doesn't really register and besides, if she realized that it would just ruin that fairytale; that fairytale she has right now with the l o v e of her life )_

_._

Carly gushes over just how _"cute" _they are and it makes her cheek turn pink and Sam Puckett doesn't like to blush, it shows _w e a k n e s s _and all of that other girlie stuff and that's just not Sam Puckett.

When Freddie comes he holds her tight, whispers into her ear how much he really loves and her and all that crap; she wants to laugh _( b a r k ) _in his face at this or punch him or _something, _but she doesn't because, _ugh, _it makes her heart flutter and all of the sudden, it's flying away, out of her body and she quickly grabs it, pushing it back in and finally finds the strength to say, _"You're such a dork, Benson," _and punch him in the arm.

Carly laughs, Freddie glares and she really doesn't care or _r e g i s t e r _any of it. All she can see is Freddie's hurt face and it says I love you, Samantha and Why do you do this to me? and I just wanna know that you love me back, Samantha! and she doesn't know why she can't do it, just can't do it.

.

When her father loved her and Melanie and her mother _( P a m ) _he called her _Samantha, _but then he left her and he didn't love her and Melanie and her mother _( P a m )._

Now he loved his new family and she really shouldn't, but frammit she wishes _( h o p e s ) _that they're gonna suffer the same fate she did _( they did, but Sam is just a little too c a u gh t u p to think, hey, they've suffered just as much as you have! )_

So she changes her name to Sam and no one can call her Samantha because it means they love her with all their heart and will never leave her and she's just not ready for that-

So don't call her _S a m a n t h a _unless you're Freddie and you actually mean it.

_( H a ! It's a laugh, it's a bark, but not quite a laugh or a bark...it's more like the sound of a tortured soul. )_

_._

_( It's not funny sheshouldn'tbelaughing but for some reason, she just _c a n ' t _stop it and it hurts her heart and just _e v e r y t h i n g _)_

_._

The second time her heart almost flies away and leaves her, alone and _coldcoldcold _and dirty and dusty and in the dark they're in their senior year of high school, sitting on the top of his father's old pick-up and he's saying goodbye:

"I can't believe you're leaving me," she says quietly with a hint of sadness and longing and _why can't she be smart and pretty and perfect like him?_

"Me either."

She shoots him another one of those _l o o k s, _and his heart crumbles into a million little pieces. "Look, Sam, do you think I really want to do this? Leave you and Carly and Spencer and my mom and my dad and Seattle behind?"

"Wow," she laughs and she shouldn't be laughing because this is serious shizz, "that right there was a run-on sentence."

He rolls his eyes and Sam feels bad _just for a second _about the comment but quickly shakes it off. "Why can't you go to school at the University of Washington like me, with me?" This time he says the sentence it sounds like he's begging her to change his mind but even if she did, it's too late for that now- she can't apply there until the next fall; it's the end of summer.

A sigh. "Look, _Fredwad,_" she spits it out this time and all of the sadness of it all is forgotten, left behind in the dust. "How many times do we have to go over this? I love music, I want to be a singer, I want to be a dancer, I want to be an actress...I want to be a _s t a r, baby." _She says this sentence with stars in her eyes and he wishes he could see what she sees, those flashing lights and dreams and hopes and wishes and see the world in _c o l o r._

"I love you, you know that, right?" She blinks. He's not supposed to say that. This is _wrongwrongwrong dangerdangerDANGER-_

_"Samantha. I love you. Will you marry me?"_

Freak. Freak, freak, FREAK! He's not supposed to say that! Her heart starts doing that bogus fluttering again and then it's flying away and she thinks what would happen if she let is just _go, _so she does and it makes it's merry way on over too Freddie and she panics, has the closest thing a eighteen-year-old can have too a heart attack.

She quickly reaches out and grabs it, squeezing it so hard blood gushes out and she gasps, _oh what did she do to it (her heart)? _and even quicker puts it back into her upper body.

"Sam, why were you grabbing at air?" He asks, an eyebrow raised in amusement and she rolls her eyes, shrugs, trying to shake off how truly _s c a r e d [afraid] _she was.

"So...uh...about the marry stuff," he starts off awkwardly and Sam mentally groans 'cause, seriously, this is _not _the time for getting married and shizz and she really doesn't wanna ruin this relationship. She actually kinda..._likes it. _It's comforting and special and loving and just plain _perfect [great]._

"I'm sorry about that. I never would've said that; I was just sooo caught up and everything, with leaving Seattle and you and our relationship...I'm just..."

"Going crazy," she finished and her brunette companion looked at her like she was actually crazy. "Me, too. I really don't wanna leave you."

He smiles and the sun is starting to set and everything is just so beautiful and she wouldn't be surprised if she started pooping rainbows and he pulls her _soclose [thisclose] _and kisses all over her neck and whispers _( b r e a t h e s ) _into her ear, neck, whatever- she can't really tell a difference - _"I love you, Samantha."_

And she can't really say it - besides, she's sure she's never heard someone say it to her - so she just simply mouths it and she thinks, hopes Freddie gets her action as he leans even closer to her and the next morning they wonder who's arms are who and all of that and a part of Freddie's mind panics at the thought that he and Sam didn't have this blanket thrown over them when they went to sleep _[ohmygosh] _his father saw them sleeping together on the top of his car; _is he gonna tell his mom?_

But his father, Leonardo Benson, doesn't and he's sure he's never loved his father as much as he does now.

.

_**california dreamin'**_

_**.**_

She moves to Cali (California, people! California!) and she's California dreamin' full on, all she can think of is _s u c e s s _and _l u c k y s t a r s _and, she hates him for invading her thoughts, _F r e d w a r d._

After a while the shock and happiness and thrill of being in Cali wears off and she realizes something - _she hasn't do anything and she's 21._

The next time she sees her Carly asks, _when are you going to make a living? _and honestly she doesn't know and all she can think of is FreddieFreddieFreddie and this is most definitely NOT healthy. She's been out here, in the land of dreams and wishes and broken promises and alcohol and drugs _( hard, hard partying ) _since she was eighteen years old, fresh out of high school, and should be doing way more than this - this, just obsessing over _Freddie freaking Benson, _of all people - she should be a superstar by now, really, and she doesn't understand why it's not happening for her.

He's successful. He's graduating college early this year and she's _soso _proud of him and a back of her mind wishes she would've stayed behind in Washington and gone too school with Freddie; sure, they're still together, but it's nothing compared to how close they were back when they were at Ridgeway.

They have a fight one day when he tells her, _you're not doing anything in Cali, you need to come back home & be with me and get married and have 2.5 kids and the perfectperfectperfect life in wedded bliss! _but no, no Freddie; Sam Puckett doesn't believe in fairy tales and promises and all of that _( t h e y ' r e j u s t t h i n g s ) _so she tells him, _I'm gonna do something, Freddie! YOU should come live with me; California is amazing, they're so many starts and everything is-"_

_"When are you going to make a living?" _He yells _[ s h o u t s ] _and it hurts her sososo much, makes her heart bleed and it feels like he's squeezing it with all his might like she did that one fateful day three years ago _( it feels like a L I F E T I M E )._

So she tells him to leave her house, leave her life, leave her _A L O N E _forever and never come back.

Once he leaves she _does _manage to make a living because he isn't there, controlling her, filling up her mind with fantasies of the worst kind; she's a movie star now, she's done a few Broadway plays and has a whole bunch of ahh-doring fans; sometimes they call her _Samantha _and she lets them because she's sure her fans love her like Freddie and her father once did and it makes her heart warm _( oh so warm ) _and she finally lets her heart flutter and then flyfly away into the night sky and she wonders with all her heart why it wasn't _( couldn't be ) _this easy with Freddie.

.

Alright, yeah, she's finally making a living. But she doesn't have him so she's not sure this is quite what a fairytale-come-true is but her friends make her feel better, make it all worth it- all the tears and risks and losing _him ( t r u e l o v e ) _and so she doesn't care after a while.

Because in the end _( like everything else ) _it's all just broken promises and hopes & dreams that never quite make it and what-would've-beens.

.

samantha puckett loveslovesloves freddie benson with all of her damaged heart

but he loves her just a littlebitmore because his heart is new&big and never been damaged-

until now and for that,

he hates samantha puckett with all of his justalittlebit smaller heart

but he also loves her - and will never stop - loving her

and, and it's like some twisted symphony

.

.

.


End file.
